Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
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Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Guy who likes music
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it