(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
You Might Also Like
Florida be like…
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
My inexpensive home security system…
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.