Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
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[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers