In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
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A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Banana is the quietest snack
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
no one likes gloating
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
how high up are we talkin’?