If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
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This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
A man of commitment.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Natty or not?
Not all heroes wear capes…
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.