I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
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Last-minute gift idea!
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Hell yeah 👍
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!