I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”