“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
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Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
it’s the silliest best thing
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs