TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
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Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.