ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
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i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Guys, I found it.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.