If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
You Might Also Like
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”