POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
You Might Also Like
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
wishing you and yours all the best
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Just a friendly reminder!
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
s
oc
i
a
l