Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
You Might Also Like
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
How I’d get arrested…
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown