Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
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There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?