Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
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dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”