the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
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my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Worst Native American name ever.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool