14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
You Might Also Like
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*