I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
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My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%