Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
You Might Also Like
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.