There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
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“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
My dog learned how to text
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
This came to me in a dream.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities