If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
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*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
No Google it does not
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!