Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
You Might Also Like
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.