[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
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Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.