I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
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I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
How dude HOW?!
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.