heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
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if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away