My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
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hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Sticker placement is key.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.