we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
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My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
what are they serving at kfc then???
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?