It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
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My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?