[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
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my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
This is hilarious….
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
White Castle for the Win
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.