hmmm
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Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”