[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
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I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
My dating profile:
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Ken is short for chicken
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox