me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
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I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.