Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
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I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
When you can’t find your friend Neil
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company