Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
You Might Also Like
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.