Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
You Might Also Like
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”