Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
You Might Also Like
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I hope this email finds you in a well
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.