… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
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I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.