Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
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I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?