Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
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[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry