Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
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Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
incredible text to wake up to
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I occasionally drink every single night.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?