Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
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Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
broke down and did it
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now