I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
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Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.