Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
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I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME