Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
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*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.