ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
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I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist