Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
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[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
😏😏😏
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you