[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
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Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I only treason on days ending in y
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors