Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
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I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week