me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
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My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”