Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
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17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Woke up against my better judgement again
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire